Olga and I would like to thank everybody who so kindly sent us e-mails following our last edition. (Those of you, who didn't read it, just press a button here somewhere to view it). We did acknowledge all of your e-mails and, where appropriate, sent detailed replies.

We would like to point out, however, there is no truth in those rumours. We are just good friends - and that's just a friendship ring I am wearing. The reason we are not not seen together at public events (and this is to satisfy the query from laddered tights slut@yahoo.com) is for the very reason that we don't want our fans gossiping. Hope we have set the record straight there.

The only outstanding matter left over from last month is from 'Worried of Milton Keynes'. Please e-mail Olga again with your full address and she will send you a plain brown paper envelope containing the latest booklet from HASH - Habitual Association of Social Hedonism- who has a self help group for male tight wearers and how to deal with your problem. And, no, we don't think there is a market for soiled tights - and, no, you can't use our column to advertise them.

Well, there, that's last month dealt with.

Oh, we do like a rummage in the charity shops down our high street. Got the lot we have. 'Mind' and 'Help the Aged' are our favorites. It's amazing what you can find. Once we get rummaging there is no stopping us. The only thing I find embarrassing is that every time Olga finds a dress she likes she holds it up against me so she can see what's it like with a head sticking out the top!
Imagine my surprise when she shrieked, from deep inside the bargain box,: 'Oh! Look! Unipod tights!'

Everyone froze wondering where the voice came from. I rushed over to see what she had discovered. And there it was: Tytex Single Leg Tights -Ribbed 70 Denier. - 'The Secret of Feeling Fresh and Looking Good'. We were gripped with excitement.

The packaging promised us that the sense of feeling would be unbelievable. It assured us that women everywhere are changing to Tytex, and that it would give us 'the sense freedom we have always longed for'. We couldn't wait to get home to try them on. Was this going to be a 'real revolution in woman's hosiery', as the blurb promised?

Olga and I parted company outside the charity shop. She had to go to Sainsburys to shoplift the Sunday Lunch. Always better if one of us stays away from the store on shoplifting days - that way solicitors and bail can be so easily arranged. But, touch wood, that hasn't happened since the great leg of lamb disaster of 2001. She's got no faith in deep frozen anymore - fresh is best - with her frame she can tuck away a whole leg and shoulder without even flinching - let alone it showing.

I went back home on the No.28b and sat upstairs listening to the ladies behind me chatting about a row one of them had had with her husband: "I said to him, I did, 'it's not over till the black lady sinks". I pulled out my new Tytex Single Leg Tights packet to continue reading the blurb and noticed that I was holding a 'Pack of 3'! Now, I don't know Leicestershire very well, and I have certainly never been near Burbage, but why would Barber & Nicholls, of the same place, find it necessary to pack three one legged tights in one packet? Unless, of course, you know different. Perhaps someone reading this can confirm that there are, in fact, no tripods in Leicestershire? Comments below please!

I went on to read: 'Because Tytex Single Leg Tights have no restricting gusset they can help you avoid the uncomfortable conditions that aggravate cystitis and thrush' I hoped secretly that Olga wouldn't read that bit. She's very sensitive about that sort of thing, ever since the backlash she suffered from the new six-strap pull-on corset with added panels getting ready for our last party. Went into the New Year with tears rolling down her cheeks she did!

Once home I could hardly wait. I tore open the packet my hands almost trembling. Indeed, there were three single burgundy wine-coloured one-legged tights inside. It didn't seem to matter which leg which fitted - but I did pick up the packet to see if there were any clues as to how to put them on. 'Pants are normally worn over Tytex. For photographic purposes, the illustration shows them worn underneath' I haven't included a picture of the reverse side of the packaging here as I don't want this column to sink that low.

I put both legs through the waistband and one leg went in to the tight (can't say tights as it was only one leg!). I did likewise with the other. The waistband came across the lower abdominal part of my body and formed an inverted 'V' shape over my privates! I looked at myself in the mirror.'Your body breathes as nature intends and enjoys the cool fresh feeling of freedom'.

Just then I heard the key in the door. Olga was coming home. I stepped out onto the landing and stood there in all my glory. 'What yer think?' I said. She stood there motionless, her mouth open and her eyes almost popping out from behind her thick lenses, which, of course, must have magnified the sight out of all proportion. Silence! A shoulder of lamb fell on the floor from between her legs. Silence! Then she fainted in a heap. I rushed back into the bedroom to look at the packet. Had I done something wrong? 'Tytex Single Leg Tights look no different from conventional tights when worn. Only you know the secret of Tytex'.

I didn't know that this sort of advice was so freely available:

I always have wondered what nuns wear underneath - now I know!

Well, two actually: Don't bother to find Tytex (see above) a simple call to enquiries will confirm that they no longer are in Burbage.

With the gardening season coming into swing soon, have you noticed, girls, that after he's been out there, he comes in, washes his hands and leaves all the earth and soil in the hand towel?

Put slivers of old soap bars in tights, and hang it outside by your water hose (or anywhere else) so he can wash his hands after gardening and other outdoor work.

He'll need training, of course, but once he gets used to it, your towels will remain cleaner longer and you will have found a use for those nasty old bars of used soap as well as old and laddered tights.

.....reprinted with kind permission by Olga Sheerhose from her first volume '1001 Things to do with Tights' available at all good bookshops

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