Happy Easter to all our readers!

“Noun: Rules in Chinese philosophy that govern spatial arrangement and orientation in relation to patterns of yin and yang and the flow of energy (qi); the favourable or unfavourable effects are taken into consideration in design.”

Loo Tights Of Beijing Launches Revolutionary New Tights Using Feng Shui Principles

Picture supplied with thanks and gratitude to 'ph'

Beijing China - Loo Tights have launched an amazing new design of tights based on the ancient Chinese art of Feng Shui. Mr. Bee'n Too Loo, the Chief Executive Officer of Loo Tights, said yesterday: 'By applying Feng Shui principles to the design of tights we bring peace and harmony to the wearer. These tights bring together the ancient and the modern in that a new revolutionary weave creates energetic patterns, invisible to the eye, but, nevertheless, balances the yin and yang allowing the wearer all the benefits such as having a harmonious balance between the right and left leg.'

He went on to explain: 'This balance of energy with the right and left side of the body will, no doubt, improve the lives of our wearers- particularly men who have much higher stress levels that ladies. Our sales show that over 40% of our customers are men in high or middle management positions. We have given all our managers pairs to wear during office hours, over the last six months, and all report that they feel more 'at peace' when wearing and that this feeling encompasses not only the workplace but also friendships and relationships outside the office environment.'

To demonstrate this Mr. Bee'n Too Loo proceeded to remove his trousers to show the assembled Press Corps that he too was wearing. This action was followed by all the gentleman on the platform removing their trousers in solidarity with Mr. Bee'n Too Loo.

Samples of these revolutionary tights were then handed out to all the reporters present. In answer to the question as to why the gusset ran from left to right rather than from front to back he replied:

'It is important that the balance between the two parts of body be not interrupted, but should flow from the right to the left side easily. The silk gusset in these new tights allows this to happen and acts a bridge and permits the forces to flow freely. The design of the gusset also allows more time for meditation ' (see picture above)

Whilst some reporters were hurriedly trying on these tights it was noticed that one foot was pointing forwards and the other the in the opposite direction. To explain this Mr Bee'n Too Loo said: 'It is important to balance both the spiritual and physical world. Our miracle weave takes account of this feature. We based this design on the teachings of the Black Sheer Sect Feng Shui, which has its roots in northern Tibet. It is, therefore, important to have an element in these tights that combine these teachings and by placing the feet in opposite directions we encompass and enhance all the positive energy around us'.

Some reporters present, who were now wearing the tights, confirmed that they felt better for wearing them. Mr. Bee'n Too Loo suggested to them that to feel the full benefit of these tights they should be put on whilst standing on grass or soil. 'It is best to go into your gardens or parks and put them on whilst on the lawn. 'Originally', he explained, 'Feng Shui was concerned with living in harmony with both tangible and intangible forces of the natural world. What is more natural than a well cut lawn?' These new tights will be seen in the Western world for the first time in Milan later this year at the showing of next year's Spring Collections.

I'm so glad that Granny came around the house the other day to introduce us to her new Carer.

And that's all I am going to say about that. There's a Last Will and Testament at stake here! She reads the column every month. (…and loves it!)

And bugger me if he's going to get it all!

By following the simple advice I heard on the radio this morning, (Thought for the Day) I have finally found inner peace. The speaker proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around our house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, the sherry trifle, a packet of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the cheesecake, some nuts and a box of Cadbury's Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Pass this on to those who need inner peace.

How do you Solve a Problem Like my Mother

Prozac and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Worn out support tights tied up with string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Black opaques, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, ten-dens and gardens with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
New surgical stockings and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and tights that are sagging,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things. When the joints ache,
When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

A young boy asks his mother why all brides wear white dresses.
'It's to show her purity'
Not sure, he goes and asks his father '
Why do all brides wear white dresses?'
'Because all household utilities come in white!'

Whose wedding was this? And why weren't we invited?

At this time of year, when we're all thinking of spring cleaning, here's a little tip for all you fans of those fluffy dusters on sticks.

Whilst I can recommend them for removing deserted cobwebs from ceiling corners and dusting the top shelf of high bookcases - getting rid of those cobwebs and dust is always a trial. All you need do is push the duster into an old pair of tights! When the job is done just peel off the tights and all the dirt, dust and cobwebs will remain inside the tights.

Just deposit the tights in a dustbin! Your beloved fluffy duster will remain in pristine condition.

Vera's (see Jan.07) latest boyfriend (pictured above) just loves coming around to our house in his maid's outfit to do the housework. Though, if he held the fluffy duster in his other hand, he could probably reach the top of that picture frame he is trying to dust. (…bless!)

.....reprinted with kind permission by Olga Sheerhose from her first volume '1001 Things to do with Tights' available at all good bookshops

Index to Mike & Olga's WWW

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