I love the early mornings – bright sunshine and still a bit cold. Olga doesn’t get up till the crack of 11a.m. so I’ve taken to an early morning bike ride. I always wear black opaques and very short Lycra shorts…as you do.

Riding along the park cycle track I got to know another rider. I saw him the other day without any shorts on – just black opaques. “Do you realise you have left your shorts at home?" I said, as I rode alongside a rather exposed looking cyclist. “Yeah, it was the wife’s idea”, he replied, “last week I went out without my jersey and finished up with a stiff neck!”

Then there was that guy at the gym changing room putting on a pair of tights! I said: ‘I’ve seen you here before – but never seen that you wear tights-when did you start wearing?” “Ever since my wife found a pair in the glove compartment!”

I made up a ditty about Olga on a bike:
Olga had a bicycle
She rode it on the grass
Every time the wheel went round
A spoke went up her ....
Its not true of course!
I did take her cycling, though, the other day, around the back streets because they’re quieter, she said: “I've never come this way before, must be the cobble stones”.

We had 13-year-old Zack staying with us the last weekend. He’s Olga’s nephew. We quite like him because he never really talks. He communicates only through messaging on his mobile phone. If I want his attention I have to text him:
‘Supper is redy m8- r u redy?’ He then grunts, walks across the room to join us for a meal, which is eaten with one hand whilst the other is texting. The only time he is a bit talkative is when his bedtime is coming up. He hopes, that by keeping us talking to him, he can delay going to bed. Like the other night: “Politics- what’s all that about then? How does that work?” he asked in reply to my text message: ‘Bedtime!’ “ Go up to bed and I’ll come in and explain it to you” I said firmly.

15 minutes later I was sitting on his bed whilst he listened very intensely. “Let me try to explain it this way: Your dad is the head of your family, so call him The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. The au pair you have at home, we’ll consider her The Working Class. Olga and I are here to take care of your needs, so we would be called The People. And your baby brother of only 8 months, we’ll call him The Future. I hope that makes sense to you” I said to a rather puzzled boy, as I switched off the light. The next morning I got a text on my mobile whilst he was having his cornflakes opposite me. “I do understand now: The Prime Minster is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit”.

I dozed off the other night looking at my tights catalogue that had arrived that day in the post. No wonder I woke up in a sweat! I had had the weirdest dream:

Operator:  Thank you for calling Legs Apart. Do you wish to place an order?
Me: Yes, I'd like to place an order.
Operator: Can I have your NIDN number please?
Me: What’s that?
Operator: Your National Identity Number, Sir.
Me: Look, all I want are two pairs on Natural Tan, sheer to the waist 10 denier tights.
Operator:  I must have your NIDN first, Sir.
Me: Where do I find that?
Operator: In your passport or driving licence, Sir.
Me: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's B5756295-895
Operator:  Thank you, Sir.  I see you live at 42, Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 0275- 694294. Your office number at Petersfield Insurance is 0275-84736 and your mobile number is 0777 576 395.  Email address is Mike@home.net. Which number are you calling from, Sir?
Me: Huh? I'm at home.   Where'd you get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the NISS,  Sir.
Me: The NISS, what is that?
Operator: We're wired into  the National Internal Security System, Sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
Me: (sighs) Oh well, I’d like to order two pairs of large Natural Tan, sheer to the waist 10 denier tights.
Operator: I don't think that’s a good idea, Sir.
Me: What do you mean?
Operator: Sir, your  medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care Provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice due to the high level of compression our 10 den tights have on the legs on account of the high content of lycra.
Me: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our 7 den control top nearly black. I’m sure you'll like them.
Me: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you weighed yourself last week at the health food shop when you bought some slimming aids, so you are concerned about your weight, Sir, which is slightly over the recommended average for your height.
Me: All right, all right, then, I’ll take two pairs.
Operator: I think you will like them, Sir. Your total is £10.99.
Me: Let me give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
Me: I'll send you a cheque then.
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your current account is overdrawn by £17.50.
Me: Never mind! Just send the tights. I'll let you have Postal Orders then. How long will it take?
Operator: All our orders are completed within 28 days of ordering, Sir, but I would suggest if you're in a hurry you might want to collect them from our warehouse, providing you have the cash and your motorcycle has a storage facility.
Me: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?
Operator: It says here you're were in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repossessed. But your Vesper is paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
Me: Well, I'll be  #%#^^.
Operator: I'd advise you to watch your language, sir. You've already got a conviction for behaviour likely to breach the peace by swearing at a policeman who was arresting a shoplifter friend of yours; and another, one I see here, last month for contempt of court at her hearing for swearing at the Magistrate when she was sentenced. Oh yes, I notice that you’ve just finished your 30 days for contempt of court. Is this your first pair of tights since your return to society?
Me: (speechless)
Operator: Will there be anything else, Sir?
Me: Yes, can I have my free gift for spending over £10.00?
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering our ‘free ladies naughty underwear’ to male clients. The New Moral Act passed last year prohibits this. Thank you for calling Legs Apart.

When decanting fine wines place a part of a pair of tights over the opening of the decanter. Any sediment will be caught by it and not effect the wine – providing, of course, the tights were clean in the first place. The tights should be rinsed immediately the decanting is over so as to prevent any possible staining.

.....reprinted with kind permission by Olga Sheerhose from her first volume '1001 Things to do with Tights' available at all good bookshops

Index to Mike & Olga's WWW

If you want to comment on any of the above - please do so by visiting this link: Comments